waking up in a panic. nightmares again. i've been so stressed, this mounting pressure that i don't know how to deal with. i know where it's coming from, spilling out into every corner of my life until i'm tense and tired and can barely breathe, weight on my chest. my head hurts, often does. and here again i write a list of what is wrong with me, the symptoms not the cause, instead of doing anything about it. i keep thinking i must get tougher, i must get a stronger skin to get through this and the walls start closing in again. only thing that has been helping is imagining submitting to it, let it wash over me, and trust that there will be something left of me on the other side of it.

i wish my brain wouldn't feel so broken all the time. i'm so tired and slow now. idk if it's burnout or age or depression brain damage but i feel so slowwwww and sluggish. i try to rest and give my brain a break but i'm so impatient. i just wanna gooooo and do stuff but it hurts. and people around me expect me to be the old me but i can't push myself there anymore and it's embarrassing.